big brother

Have you ever felt as if you were being watched?

In all honesty, I can say that I have felt this way all of my life and I think it’s safe to say I’m not alone since there are plenty of movies about this kind of thing. The one I relate to the most is The Truman Show. Truman is watched by, judged and laughed at by the world.
THAT is how I felt for way too long.  Eventually he became aware that something strange… something wrong, was happening in his world. And he set out to discover the truth.

Like Truman, I became painfully aware that something was awry in my world, even if I had no idea what it was, so I set out on a journey to discover the truth.
As I write these words, I am acutely aware of the fact that I had absolutely no idea this endeavor was to be a journey at all, let alone a journey of self-discovery and truth.
As I began, something shifted in what I recognized as the big brother cameras of the world watching my every move.
Ugh… I am about to reveal more of that private and vulnerable stuff here… please be kind.
The cameras no longer belonged to the world. They now belonged to one trusted person who was speaking into my life and helping me along as I traversed the long winding roads and the steep mountain terrain of this trek. I wanted to do everything right, taking the advice and doing the things this person had been guiding me to do in order to change my life. It was great motivation and it was helpful for a time, but honestly it felt a little weird to be consciously doing things to please a person (In case you’re wondering, I am aware I had been subconsciously doing things to please people all my life and it was unhealthy).
The thing is, I LOVE what has happened through the process of learning, growing and accepting myself for who I am. The paranoid “big brother” thought process is no longer so much of an issue in my life because now I don’t care (as much) about what people think of me. Why? Because I have finally been able to believe the truth.
I am enough –
You can take me or leave me as I am and I will be fine.
But that’s not what I wanted to talk about…
Recently I had a revelation about all of this (Perhaps I discovered more of the truth).
I am being watched.
God is, always has been and always will be watching me.
And… I DO CARE about what he sees in me.
What does God want to see?
I believe He wants is to see me living my life fully. He loves to see me experience new things. He loves to see me appreciate each moment in life rather than rushing through and not noticing things like the temperature on my skin, the scent in the air, the sounds or the things happening around me. He loves to watch me glow as I carefully, lovingly hold a newborn baby. He loves to watch the tears run down my face as I take in sad news and empathize with another.  He loves to watch as I step out courageously into a place of trust toward those who have hurt me in the past. He loves to watch as I am filled with delight and laughter while spending time with friends. He loves to watch as I learn new things, sometimes quickly and easily, sometimes frustratingly through trial and error. He loves to watch as I love those around me, hearing the prompting of the Holy Spirit, and actively listening.
As I become more aware of how much my Heavenly Father loves me and that His love is unconditional, I am able to believe (and live, I think) the statement Jesus made.
“I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”
I am grateful.
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